Look Up

“Look up!”
“Whimper, whimper”
“It’s easier if you look up.”
A toddler huddled in the corner of a public swimming-pool shower. A mother attempts to wash his hair.
“I’m going to rinse, please look up.”
Wailing ensued as the water cascaded into the child’s face, stubbornly hunching over. Hearing the familiar scene, I reflected.
How often does God say that to me?
“It’s easier if you look up.”

  I am grateful this last year is over, a re-defining year. I spent a lot of time hunched over and allowing the water to run into my eyes. Slowly discovering how much I defined myself by others. I internalized other people’s relationships towards me. I falsely measured my worth based on things outside my control. This sense of value crumbled when we moved across the country last summer. By moving, I was no longer distinguished for having many children, no longer different for my religion, no longer unique for choosing motherhood as a career. Amid this change, my first child left the nest and the faulty stability of my chosen value indicators crumbled. Breaking free from each collapsing support the exhilaration of the free fall filled me.
Facing the fears head on, I found a new freedom. Peace in letting go. Reminding me to look up. Looking up is also looking inwards.

  When I look inwards, I’m strengthening my connection with God. I used to look at God through lenses of external requirements. I allowed others’ beliefs to limit his influence and power in my life. Holding tight to the way something SHOULD be, I couldn’t accept or love what IS. This is a dangerous space to be. As a parent I faced a challenging situation where my initial reaction was to step in and tighten control on my child’s environment. I’ve learned through my re-defining experiences that this knee-jerk reaction indicates a fear- driven belief. Instead of setting up rules to limit every aspect of my son’s life, I went inward and looked at the emotions. What is driving the need to set up all these boundaries?
Why was I upset? What do I fear?
And most importantly:
Where am I feeling this emotion in my body? Does this part of me feel safe to express?

  Like the child in the shower, a part of me is huddled in a corner refusing to look up. Wailing, she wants to be heard and makes her discomfort known. Exasperated, I’ve dumped water on her many times. Anxious, I’ve hurried past this emotional outbreak. But, this time I stop. I listen. I give her love and attention and allow her stubbornness to relax. Giving her space to trust me, and time to understand, to look up.

  The magic in that moment of looking up is a message for me. She tells me she is cold or some simple aspect of self-care that she is needing and I’m neglecting because I’m not listening to her. Building trust between my inner-child and myself. A deeper connection of understanding about who I am. Peace and confidence based on true value comes. Now the fear-based response is gone. I’m able to look at the situation with my child through new eyes and love what IS. The need to control, micro- manage, even discipline evaporates, and I seek deeper connection. My confidence in myself allows a stronger confidence in my child. This creates an environment where they can practice their decision-making skills and gain confidence in themselves,instead of teaching them to fear, hide or rebel against micromanagement.

  It’s easier if you look up, look in.